Amazon Reviews To Give You Life

• Microwave Cooking For One

  5 stars from the cat lady. On another note, I hear the chocolate sauerkraut pudding is delightful: "When I come home to my apartment, I turn on the microwave as my main source of heat. The cats hate the microwave and scurry whenever I turn it on, all seven of them. My greatest joy is choosing what frozen meal I get to fire up for my dinner. Then I discovered this book and things changed. Instead of only eating pre-made meals, I can now put my artisan skills to the test. I do recall being somewhat of a rock star in my home ec classes. I am now making delicious spare ribs and seafood muffins (see page 141) and having a banquet with my cats. The other day I made a wonderful Rhubarb Pudding Cake (see page 211) and had a birthday party for Mr. Pawly Shore. I don’t know when his birthday actually is so I just go by the date that I got him from the shelter. I’ve learned to double-up and even triple-up on the ingredients so that I can make extra servings for myself the next day. When you know you’re going to be eating alone tomorrow again…might as well make extra."

• Sugar Free Gummi Bears (5 Pound Bag)

  1 star because this is a terrible cleanse diet: "Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN! First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper. BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks. PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile."

• The Mountain Men's Brachiosaurus T-Shirt

  5 star rating for an introvert's nightmare, and the gentle giant: "There are stories 'based on true events' and then there are simply true events. The following is a true event. As I was checking out at Home Depot (wearing upon my chest the docile herbivore, brachiosaurus), an employee emerged from amongst the shrubbery - 60-ish, female, in proverbial orange apron - needless to say, I immediately realized what had drawn her out from the safety of the shire - for eye contact was absent, save the brachiosaurus staring into her soul. Indeed, she instantly erupted into a chorus of praise from: "Wow, your shirt is outstanding" and "It's like looking at an HDTV" to "It's so big, but I'm not afraid of it because it eats plants" and "I can tell it's real dye, the colors are amazing." Clearly, this shirt reviews itself, I am only your guide on this particular journey through macaronicly Mesozoic & magnicaudate madness. Purchase for yourself and become a living, walking Disney World ride. Peace."

• Montegrappa Chaos Gold and Enamel Automatic Watch

  5 stars for the man who is not afraid to be extra and cl"ass"y: "I'm a value shopper. I was looking for a watch that both looks nice and keeps time, but I was trying to stay under $100,000. I looked for weeks and was about to give up when I spotted this on Amazon! I got it for only $85,995! That left $14,005 in my budget for an extra strap and a pair of those tricky pins that hold the strap in place. Things I love about this watch: - The look. I love a good skull. I love a nice, scaly snake. Together, on a watch, on my arm?! Yeah, baby. I had to have it. - Design. I've not seen a combination of colors and design work like this since the great Elvis on Black Velvet painting era of the 1970s. You simply can't find art work like this anywhere, unless you are willing to dig to the very bottom of the dentist office goody box. - Celebrity endorsement. When I saw this on 67 year old Sylvester Stallone, his hair freshly darkened and makeup perfect, I thought - "That's me." Then, in the same photo, I realized the grinning Stallone was clutching the erect shaft of his pen (matches watch, $5,000). Given I'd saved so much purchasing the watch, I was able to toss my Bic. - Features. Keeps time AND the date (always spot on!) - Durability. The crown "protects against water ingress". You know if a company uses that many words for "waterproof", its gotta be the best. - Origin. Made in Italy. Italy is a leader in manufacturing and technology - I buy all my computers, phones, etc from Italy. - Materials/Value. Note its made with genuine enamel. Enamal - its not just for bathtubs anymore. This watch will hold its value - even during a global uprising of the "have-nots" against the "haves" with their "let them eat cake" grasp of reality and utter inability to see the value of all that is good and decent in the world... But I digress. - Workmanship. PVD-coated back -- the same coating found on finer snack food bags. - Automatic. That means it will save you money in the long run. I was paying $15 every two years replacing the battery on my old watch, that's $150 every twenty years, or $15,000 every 200 years. Over time, this watch will pay for itself! - The ladies. Several have told me how "interesting" the watch is. One says it says a lot about me. Yesterday, one said, "You know, "classy" would be just "cly" without people like you!" Isn't that nice?! Things I don't like: - I get confused about what time it is mid-afternoon, unless it's the third of the month. - No light. At first I was bummed, but as I've been sleeping with the light on so I can gaze at the watch during the night, it's not been a problem. - Occasionally, I've raked the skin off my forehead wiping my brow with my wrist (not good for the gym!) I hope this review helps! Good luck!"

• English Grammar For Dummies 1st Edition

  5 stars from the vodka drinking American: "When i first come to America, my english did cause me problems. In Soviet Russia i was strong teacher, my english i know is the best in all of Petropavlovsk. My brother, Mikhail, he say to me, "Nikolai you go to America, they make you rich like czar, take many woman as lover, kill many bear". My brother, he is very wise, is greatest toymaker in all of Russia. So next day i wake up, sell my house, say goodbye to wife and children, and go to America to become millionaire. Then in America, I go to job interview and they say to me "Nikolai, you are not for the job here, you are not the skills we need, your english is poor like child". I take that man and smash his table, i say "someday i will be greatest man in all of country, your children will wish me their father!". That day my anger is best of me. It is then i know i must learn better english, so i buy book "English Grammer it is for Dummies" by Mr.Woods. Now i am perfect english grammer! I write letter to Mikhail, he write back "Nikolai, your english is like a god, you will be millionaire soon! all of Petropavlovsk is proud for you! good luck brother! please send letter when you are president or maybe even czar! Hahaha! also, your wife is killed by bear". So i say thanks to Mr.Woods for his book! When i am czar your family will be spared! Hahahaha! (is joke)."

• Poo-Pourri Before-You-Go Toilet Spray 2-Ounce Bottle, Original

  3 stars for the bum burn: "This stuff is like a miracle in a bottle. After reading the reviews, I was fairly convinced that it would work but it doesn't astound you until you try it yourself. I actually got this for work. I'm one of those people who hold it until I get home but let's be honest...some days, that's just not going to happen. I work in a courthouse so needless to say, there are many people who pass to and from the bathroom. Sometimes, you can do your business and leave without anyone seeing that you were the culprit who left the atomic bomb behind but then there's the other times. Nothing is more mortifying to me than stepping out of a stall after relieving yourself to discover you've innocently created a stench from hell. What's worse is when the dreaded coworker walks in and you're scrambling to say "Man, does it stink in here!" as if you weren't the one to do it. Rarely does it work but it's worth a try. I recently tried this and was amazed. Not only does it work, but it actually leaves a heavenly scent in the entire bathroom so you're doing double the favor for everyone afterwards. This little bottle is a savior of embarrassing and awkward moments. When I really need to, I go with confidence. ***UPDATE*** Okay, I recently knocked off a couple stars because of something that I'm honestly extremely embarrassed to even talk about but I wanted to strictly for the women who use this stuff. The effectiveness has not changed in the least, I find it does an amazing job at masking odors, but there is another major problem that I just recently traced back to using Poo-Pourri. I bought this stuff around the February time frame and since then, I've experienced frequent irritation. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I'm a very, very clean person--sometimes taking two showers a day rather than my daily one so I didn't understand where the irritation was coming from and why it was so often but it was painful, and something that would take a full week to get rid of. I looked at my habits, my diet, and nothing had changed except my occasional usage of Poo-Pourri. I hadn't had to use it for about three weeks and I was completely fine but alas, last week the day came where I wasn't going to be able to hold it at work and desperately needed to go. I used it like normal and felt the burning irritation that same night. Apparently those little "bombs" can cause quite a splash. I'm sure there are many women who have not experienced this and I honestly wish I could say the same but I shared this embarrassment for any ladies who may be in the same boat as me. It's a very good product but use with caution!"

• Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk, Gallon, 128 oz

  1 star for the milk from Tuscany that seems to be missing something: "I ordered this milk because my family drinks a LOT of milk, okay? Normally we buy a gallon of milk at the store and it just does. Not. Last. Sick and tired of our weekly milk dilemma, I decided to go online for help. I researched my options thoroughly, and when I finally found this special super-size milk - 1 gallon, 128 fl oz, or so it claimed to be! - I thought, there it is! Someone has finally made milk in a package large enough to meet my family's special needs. When the package arrived, I thought it looked a little small for 1 gallon and 128 fluid ounces. When I opened it up, I was dismayed to find a container that appeared to be the exact same size as our normal gallon jugs of milk. I held it up to an empty carton and sure enough, it matched in size. Next, I began serving glasses of milk for my children, pouring the contents of the jug out into my measuring cup before transferring it into glasses. I ran a tally of the ounces served, until all my children's bellies were full on milk, and would you look at that! It only added up to 128 fl oz. Hello? Where is the gallon part?! A whole gallon is missing and what's even stranger is that the 128 fl oz part looks exactly the same as a gallon, but the gallon is nowhere to be found. I am trying to return the empty jug for a refund, but the company won't get back to me. 1-star for an inferior product and zero customer service."

• Senior Woman with Asthma Wall Decal Peel and Stick Graphic

  5 stars from Grandma's boy: "I didn't know how to properly honor Grandma when she passed away. Framed photograph seemed too cliché, keeping her ashes wasn't something she wanted, wearing her clothing seemed a bit morbid and naming my firstborn after her was out of the question. Sorry but Agnes just isn't something I feel comfortable naming my child. Then, I found Wallmonkeys and found that I could memorialize my dear, dead grandmother in a way that not only resonated with me but kept her memory alive. I always grew up loving wall decals and I thought "Why not make my grandmother into a tasteful wall decal". This way I can remember her in a sentimental way and my kids can remember her not as boring grandma in the old photograph, but as cool, hip grandma as a sleek sticker that is on my wall. I really love that it's not some posed picture, but grandma doing something she loved, obtaining oxygen, in a picture she wasn't ready for. It's like she's still here with us, but a lot cooler and asking less invasive questions. So thanks Wallmonkeys, for making grandma live on, forever, in my house, permanently on my wall (trust me, that sticker DOES NOT come off)."

• The Holy Bible: King James Version

  3 stars for the effort, but it's only second-rate: "For those of you who don't know, this is God's second novel after the Old Testament. It's a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He's become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn't throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book. That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn't really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive. In like four chapters, he just rewords the same basic story over and over again. To top that off, he puts those chapters one right after the other. Like we wouldn't notice! I like the whole Jesus character, but let's face it, the whole good guy martyr thing has been done before. There was no need to devote so much of the book to that guy. If you're really looking for a good God read, check out the Koran or the Book of Mormon. They're much more polished. Plus, the storytelling in the Book of Mormon is wild. Some people say it goes too far and point to it as evidence that God's over the hill, but I beg to differ. Just read it. God's like a genius or something. I mean, magic spectacles! Tell me that isn't awesome. I don't know how he dreams up some of this crap."

• Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

  5-stars from the sucker for infomercials: "Great product for when you are just too tired to cut your banana! Don't waste that extra energy or time. Buy this product now!!"

• Kleenex Everyday Facial Tissues, 85 ct, (Pack of 36)

  5 stars from the poor mother who needs to be rescued from the teenagers: "I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I've put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank. This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don't want it to get there, unless you're ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze. This used to be a good Christian home. But it's not about moral judgment anymore. I'm way beyond that. I'm in survival mode. If I don't supply absorbent paper products, I'm going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical. The funny part is, they think they're being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for "privacy", as if I'm going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I'm not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I'm just trying to get through this. The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, "Honey, what're you doing with all that Kleenex?" I about knocked him off his chair."

• Chambong - Glassware for rapid Champagne consumption

  5 stars from the upper class: "It's not enough to know we're American, I need to proclaim it from the mountaintops. And what's more American than Chambong? Beatrice and I were having our noontime cordials with a twist of lime when the topic of Neville and Rosamund's betrothal came up. We'd lamented how, in all our previous festivities at the manor, it took so bloody long to sip the champagne. After all, we're drinking to celebrate, not to mope about like moss. If only there was a way to flood our bloodstreams with rich, nourishing alcohol immediately. So when the underbutler Bradbury stumbled across this marvelous contraption on the electronic computer, wouldn't you know it - you could have bowled me over with a feather! What screams class like a Chambong? Nobody would be mistaken as to where we come from when we're inhaling the old bubbly a pint at a time. Needless to say, the wedding was a smashing success, just smashing. We donned our finest "Who Farted" t-shirts, strapped on our "Make America Great Again" top hats, and broke out the Chambongs. "Golly golly gumdrops! I feel so regal!", exclaimed Rosamund's pubic stylist Violet. And right she was. After all, why sip like a gentleman when you can chug like a hobo?"

• How to Avoid Huge Ships

  5 stars for the parental advice: "As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I'm sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don't even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn't help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can't always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I'm confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships."

• Passion Lube, 55 Gallon Drum

  5 stars from the value shopper: "I'm surprised by the high price. It would be cheaper if they sold it in bulk. I'll wait until they release a three pack."

• Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant

  5 stars from the guy who discovered why the Swiss were successfully neutral: "I used to wonder why Switzerland had never been overrun by foreign invaders despite being right in the middle of Europe and the direct neighbors to two imperial German armies. After one look at the Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant, I don't wonder anymore."

• BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen

  A mix of reviews for pens which FINALLY cater to the feminine side. Choosing one review is so hard, if you click you can read all of the good ones. Like this one: "I see this comes in a sleek design. But as a "full-figured" woman, do these pens come in "curvy and carefree"?"

• Uranium Ore

  5 stars from the funny scientist: "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."

• Easy-Open Canned Unicorn Meat

  2 stars from George Takei due to the spam: "When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it. Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward). Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, "farmed" unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is. I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger."